It’s All About Him

The hurt is hard.  The daily living in a world so torn is almost more than one can bear.  The burden grows so heavy…so much pain…so much heartache…

I see the picture of 4yr old beauty, I see the bald, I see the scar of cancer visible under the few strands of hair that still remain.  I read how this precious little one struggles for life…fights for a chance to dance and sing and spin with all the wonder that resides in little girl worlds.  She understands too well, the ugly that can steal and kill.  And she is only 4.  I watch her parents hold tightly to the faith that gives them hope.  I watch as they believe in the ONE Answer they know, while surrounded by questions they may never understand. WHY??  The forbidden question that echoes across every heart and screams loud in every mind.  Why God? 

Another day, another family comes together from all corners of the world, as that same question hovers over the room where they sit and wonder.  Their arms are empty.  We come together on a night where babies were supposed to have filled our laps, cries and coos were supposed to have captivated our hearts, but life has spun a different story and what was supposed to have been, isn’t.  I listen to them, my brother and his precious wife, share their hearts and their hurt.  I see all the emotions they have walked through these past 5 weeks flutter across their faces.  Talking about it still brings pain.  Everyday they are reminded of what was supposed to have been, but is no more.  I can’t hold back the tears…WHY??

And then a phone call.  He is scheduled for surgery in the morning.  Another surgery.  He has walked this earth for 81 years and has loved fiercely his God and his family.  He has given so much over the years…always giving, never asking.  He is so kind, so compassionate, so full of Jesus.  Another surgery…WHY??

I know that everyone carries stories like these…full of hard and full of hurt.  We have all asked…

Tears fall freely and I realize that I have been looking at this all wrong.  In my questioning, I hear Him whisper gently and my heart beats faster, for I feel His presence near.  I breathe in deep…for the “WHY” is still a question, but He’s revealing something far greater than my mind could ever grasp on it’s own.  For I’m seeing that when I live this life focused on me…when MY life becomes my focal point and the woes and worries consume my thoughts and time, I live in a world that I can’t bear.  I begin to doubt and fear creeps in and overwhelms.

BUT, when I can see through His holy lens, that this life is NOT about me at all…when I can step back and remember that I was created for His glory alone, my world shifts and I am changed.  The crushing circumstances around me become an avenue for showcasing His majestic glory.  My worries and woes become an opportunity to shine forth His beauty. And my questions and concerns become a platform of trust and reliance upon One much bigger than any dark or ugly that I may walk through. 

Oh, its still hard.  Knowing He is sovereign and trusting His plan doesn’t make the loss or devastation disappear.  As my brother said, “We know that God is in control, that His plan is best.  We see that obviously what we had thought to be the plan, just wasn’t what He had worked out for us.  The tree-top view gives us perspective and we see.  But what is hard is that we don’t live on top of the tree everyday.  Daily, we live among the fallen leaves and life down here is hard.  We are just trying to “flesh” out what we know in our hearts to be true.  We want to live out the belief that God is sovereign. But we struggle and it hurts.”   

And so we pray!  We fervently cry out to our Creator and we grasp tight His hand.  We cling to His promises and we count our “thankfuls”.  We reach out to one another and we remind each other these truths, especially in the hurt and in the hard.  We wake up each day and we live out the grace that He has so miraculously given.  We shout it out from the mountain tops that OUR GOD REIGNS and that HE IS GOOD and that HE LOVES and that HE LIVES and that HE SAVES!  We never stop giving thanks and we remind a sinful fallen world that there is JOY in the trial b/c  our lives are vessels to proclaim HIS GLORY! 

Use us Lord.  It’s all about You!

Hunted Down…and Restored!

I am up early this morning…the house is quiet…my coffee is hot and I am alone. 

Yet, in the quiet, His whisper thunders through my soul!  He is beckoning me!  He is pursuing me…chasing after me with all of His might.  I can hear Him.  I can feel Him drawing, pulling my heart strings.  He is relentless with His pursuit.  This wayward girl has been running, running away from the holiness of all He is.  I’ve been scared, weary, hurt and broken.  I allowed my feelings to beat me down and used the very emotions that He has given me to DRAW me CLOSER to Himself, tear me away.

It was a gradual spiral…it started slow.  Small little things, harmless really by themselves.  But it built, like a snowball rolling down a hill…until my world broke away like an avalanche and at the bottom of the mountain, I’m buried in a heap of hard packed snow!  Grasping for air…if only I could breathe! 

His hand reaches down through my prison of frozen white, to pull me up through it.  But for months now I have ignored His promise of breath and beauty and blessing, and I have chosen to gasp, to slowly suffocate rather than embrace and be restored.  It sounds ludicrous!  I know better.  No matter how far gone I am, His forgiveness is there.  He loves me.  He wants me.  But sometimes it seems so hard for head knowledge to seep inside and become the heart knowledge that leads me to freedom.  I keep thrashing about…desperate for peace…all awhile His hand is held out…and He is waiting. 

Then I am reminded: “That surely goodness and mercy shall pursue you all the days of your life.”  We may think that they only follow us, but the Hebrew word for “follow” is RADAPH- which translates “to pursue, to run after, to chase”, or quite literally, “to hunt you down”. (Ann Voskamp – “A Holy Experience”) 

The goodness and mercy of God pursues after me passionately !  

And so, I cease running and I stop and turn.  I allow His embrace to surround me and I feel His love oozing out and engulfing me in every way.  He has definitely “hunted me down” and has captured my very soul. I am a fool, there is no doubt.  I have wasted precious moments…But I will waste no more in regret.  I will “sing a new song.”   I will be restored!  I will sing and praise and dance and shout!  For my life will be a instrument of His grace once more for the world to see His glory shining bright!  Our God is good!  

Beginning ANEW!

I am going to try and blog again…I had just about given up on this thing…life has gotten so busy!  Moving and transition and children and homeschooling and Travis’ flight training and traveling and you name it, we have been involved in so much change it is changing me.  Which isn’t necessarily  a bad thing.  I need to be changed!  From the inside out!  I want to be changed!  And with all the change going on in my life, I figure this is a GREAT time to surrender!  Everyday is a good day to surrender our will over to the Lord, but for me, now seems to be the time where God is doing some major over-hauling and I am trying to keep up! 

 

We are in Alabama now, and Travis is going through his flight training here on Fort Rucker.  He is doing amazing so far!  It is stressful and busy, but God is sprinkling His grace over our days and we are truly seeing His goodness!  I really like it here.  We are still homeschooling, and I LOVE THAT!  The kids are doing well.  They each had another birthday this year (which is what happens to all of us huh?)  They are growing so fast!  Some days my heart stands still just trying to grasp how fast their little years are flying by.  Wesley is 8 now and in 3rd grade!  My baby is slowing becoming a man! He is so smart and truly does love to learn. He surprises me all the time with his thirst for adventure and knowledge!    Emmy is 6 and is in 1st grade.  She is beautiful and precious and has the most tender heart of anyone I have ever met.  She steals my breath away sometimes.  And Luke is 3!  He is the greatest little guy this world has ever met!  He LOVES LIFE!  He embraces every minute of everyday with enthusiasm and excitement!  He has a mind of his own and acts on whatever comes to mind.  We are constantly laughing b/c of him…

 

My days are spent taking care of 3 precious little people and 1 incredible man!  We are doing well…praising God for the blessings He gives each and every day.  We are being thankful…finding thankfuls…and living in the thankfuls that thrive all around us. I can not complain b/c God is so good and His goodness continues to ooze out in every direction I look!   

A Battle For His Soul…

 

He struggles.  This mighty man of strength, valor and bravery…this man who has fought the giants, who has defied death, who has given his all… his shoulders now slumped, his head in hand, he slowly feels his heart giving way to defeat. 

How can this be? 

For once this man stood so sure.  He had purpose. He saw his dreams and embraced them whole-heartedly.  He believed in seizing the day, and that was exactly what he did, with every breath that he breathed!  He stood strong and charged life with clarity and resolve! 

But somewhere in the pursuit, his strength had run out,  the wounds he encountered began to chip away at his very soul.  It was so subtle…so discreet that he never saw it happening.  He wasn’t aware of THIS enemy…the one that lurks behind every thought and every deed, questioning  his very existence! So crafty, he steals in the night and brings a stench so horrific that light is snuffed out and darkness picks up permanent residence.  Blind-sided…he never saw it coming…and before he could call for help, he was overtaken. 

The heaviness was the worst.  This devil of an enemy kept him chained and imprisoned by the guilt  of his past.  The mistakes, the poor choices that cost so much, the regrets, the failures…this Snake kept reeling them in front of his mind day after day.  He could find no release, no escape, so eventually he surrendered to the inevitable.  There was no way out.  He was forever enslaved to the darkness of his past…

And yet…

HOPE.  She stood there with a smile so pure, so true.  She offered Her hand…and for a brief moment, he almost reached forward. Could She be real?  What She offered sounded so good…but before he had time to cipher through his thoughts, the Enemy struck hard!  The low, insidious gurgle of a laugh resonated in the depth of his being…he felt the smirk and heard the mocking somewhere deep within his core. 

Forgiveness, she offered.  A Clean Slate.  A Fresh Start.  A Cleansing.  Grace.  Mercy. 

But how?  In his cell of self-hatred, he couldn’t  begin to fathom how any of this good could be offered, let alone EMBRACED by such a one as he.  But She didn’t move.  She stood Her ground and that smile, it didn’t waver.  The intensity of Her offer only increased as the Light began to illuminate the dark places of his heart…revealing each and every horrific deed he had ever done.  He scrambled to hide…he felt so exposed.  Whatever offer She had in mind must surely be off the table after She saw the filth of all he had ever done.  There was no good within his heart…he could offer nothing in return.  She would turn away, shake Her head in understanding, realize Her mistake in even trying to gaze upon his putrid soul. 

But there She stood…unmoving.  Her hands outstretched, waiting.  And in that frozen moment, he began to see.  For in Her eyes he saw that nothing was worthy of this forgiveness She offered.  No one was good enough.  The price She had paid was scarred into Her outstretched offering.  Was he unworthy?  Yes.  Very much so.  But She knew that before he was ever created.  Before he drew his first breath upon this earth, unworthy was written across his story.  She knew that, and still She smiled.  For She specialized in the unworthy.  Those were the ones She loved the most.  For She knew that She was their only hope, their only salvation. 

He tore his eyes away from Hers for the first time in what seemed like an eternity.  He looked around him.  And he saw…there was a war going on.  His demons, every single last one of them, fighting with every fiber they were made of, to secure his soul for THEIR eternal plans.  His stomach lurched forward…the sickness of his plight so vivid in the Light of Her smile.  For when he looked back, his eyes beheld the entire scene.  For Her smile was pure, but there was more.  Her eyes were enflamed!  In Her hands she held a sword, a sword of weight and of glory!  She was engulfed with a passion of fire…illuminating Her intense Holiness!  She was at war!  At war for HIS very soul.  The battle was raging around him…he was beginning to realize it always had been.  

And he had to choose.  She offered more than he could wrap his mind around…but Her offer held promise.  Promise of victory.  Promise of purpose and promise of more.  She forgave him…even before he accepted…even before he forgave himself…She was Forgiveness and She stood ready to embrace him, to cover him, to release him from the prison he stood bound.  She could forgive enough to cover his inability to forgive himself.  She stood ready…Together they would fight this enemy who desperately wanted to keep him chained…chained to his past, his failures, his mistakes. 

So he stood…

and… 

His Grace…Again:)

She touches the scar.  The memories almost forgotten…He had come and healed that ugly mess that stained her life so many years ago.  The pain had been almost suffocating.  The many tears cried…she remembered how He had gently wiped them away…and slowly, tenderly brought healing to her soul.  IT had been hard…but looking back how she had grown…through that searing pain, Christ had revealed Himself in such a way that every tear had served purpose in her understanding of Who He Is! 

She shook her head…her eyes coming into clearer focus…  blood was oozing…dripping from under her fingertips.  She saw the dagger in hand and suddenly realized what she was seeing!  She had sliced the scar open once again!  The scar that had almost vanished…the scar that He had brought such tender healing too…was now a wound with pulsating red flowing before her very eyes!  WHY!?!  How had this happened?! 

She knew where this road led…she had traveled down it before and swore to never go back!  IT hurt…the pain was hot on her skin.  How could she have been so foolish? 

She tried to ignore the gapping, monstrous wound…but knew that a wound left unattended only brought infection and would never heal.  She didn’t deserve healing…not again…She had received grace once before.  He, the Creator Himself had mended and sown.  With the very hands that spun the world into being, He had carefully stitched and bandaged that pain …leaving only a tiny scar, visible just to her, a reminder perhaps, of the grace she did not deserve.  

She was a fool.  A complete and utter fool!  She had given in to her flesh…had  tossed reason to the wind.  She had ignored His Spirit…and embraced sin whole-heartedly.  She had danced in the middle of black…and allowed the oily, slimy filth of evil to penetrate the most precious places of her soul.  Climbing out of pits like this one was a slow and tedious process.  Every time she tried, her foot would slip, her grip lost, and she felt herself falling…falling hard.

Until…

At the bottom of the dark…a Light shines bright.  A hand reaches down and lifts her up.  So effortlessly…so gracefully…He touches the wound…She cringes as she watches the red stain His perfect white.  She quickly tries to wipe away the drops… only to smear and muck the pure even more.  She is ruining Him…her crimson so evident…her self-inflicted tears grieving her Savior God. 

But He begins to stitch once more…and oh how it hurts.  She flinches…She pulls back…She had forgotten how much it hurt… Still, He continues to sew…to mend…to bring the healing to the raw and the ugly.  She closes her eyes…a tear falls quietly…

The Light of Easter

He crashes the night with that first streak of Light…the breaking Dawn that saved humanity from an eternity of death.

That LIGHT…

It pierces sharp and triumphs big. 

The Light that refused to stay hidden…

The Light that sliced fear in two and reigned down Glory from the heavens! 

That Light that lit up that dark tomb, that burst forth from grave to sky!

The Light that cannot be denied…for It illuminates the darkest heart, It heals the bloodiest wound, It proclaims majesty from farthest depth to highest peak!

That Light is Glory risen! 

That Light shines LIFE!

That Light is Jesus and He is ALIVE! 

Death is defeated…

AMEN! 

We celebrate!

He Is Bigger than Inevitable

The Lord speaks…and again I am left speechless.  He knows my excuses.  He knows what my heart will justify, the sin that I will so easily overlook.  But when He speaks, it cuts to the quick.  And I am left with nothing more to argue.  For my heart can not serve two masters.  There is no relationship between God and sin.  I can try and reason with sin and flesh…but one can not hide unfaithfulness before the Faithful One.  It is impossible and cannot be done. 

And so I bow before the Creator and once again, cease striving.  I am silenced and humbled.  For I desire to hear Him, to know Him, to see Him alive and at work WITHIN me!  And if sin resides, there is no space for His Spirit to dwell. 

I confess.  And even in my confessing, I know that I am not strong enough to resist the temptation alone.  I don’t have it in me.  There is no point in telling God that I will “never do it again.”  B/c I have done it once, and in my flesh I will do it again.  It is inevitable.  But He is bigger than inevitable and He can empower even the weakest, such as myself.  So I cling desperately and hold tightly to His hand.  For on my own, I will fail.  I will slip into the very thing that I confess.  But through His strength I can conquer!  I can walk in the very light of the victory I so boldly claim!  For He has made me an “overcomer”.  So, today, I will overcome sin…and live victorious!

And after the confession…peace washes over and joy abounds!  I feel the colors of His love splash across my heart!  His Spirit comes to life within and I feel like a summer sunset, bursting forth with beauty that leaves a soul in breathless awe!

Faith…”Let’s See”

Today was hard.  Today presented an opportunity to trust…to exercise my faith in the Faithful One.  It was a “rubber meets the road” kind of day.  I love the end of days like these…b/c it’s the place where I get to feel the burn of a hard work-out with my Creator.  You know, like when you go to the gym and you give it your all, and every single muscle you have hurts like nothing you have ever experienced, but you LOVE IT!  IT is that good kind of “hurt”.  The one that makes you feel alive…that lets you know you have done something good and profitable and gives you confidence that results will look incredible! But the beginning is rough…it doesn’t always look so pretty…the results aren’t always so easily predicted.  

Well, that was my day today.  God asked the question: “Do you trust Me?”  My response: “OF COURSE!”  But then the next statement was the one that kind of made me nervous and threw me for a loop…He said, “Then let’s see:)”  He was wanting to see my faith in action…to watch if I could confidently lean on Him even when things began to spin out of control.  He was looking for joy in the midst of trials…for calm and steady in the middle of crazy and scary! 

I've been in this situation before…walked down this road with my Savior hand in hand…I knew what it looked like…and that I desperately wanted to respond in faith on this side of the trial…but what He was asking was so uncertain, so unknown, and my flesh wanted to scream and panic!  What do I do?  How do I do it?  FEAR!  The word I hate with a passion yet it plays such a big role in my life…Fear was rearing his ugly head and I had to make a decision:  was I going to give in?  Or stand and fight! 

Breathe.  In and out.  Again.  Remember.  Remember His faithfulness before.  Recall His promises.  Lean on them.  Stand on them.  Stake your life on them.  Choose your weapon.  Steady yourself…

I know God is faithful.  I know He has called me to “such a time as this.”  He has brought us so far.  He will not abandon HIs own.  Every word from Him played over and over in my mind…and I claimed each one.  It wasn’t easy…for each promise I claimed, Satan had a counter-attack prepared!  He fights dirty.  He fights hard.  It hurts.  But it doesn’t kill!  I found resolve.  I stood strong, rooted and grounded in God’s Word! 

And at the end of the day, the battle was won!  Satan was defeated!  Fear was put to rest!  God showed Himself faithful and glorious once again!  My faith was built.  And I give the glory to God alone!  His victory, His glory, His beauty portrayed for all to see!

I have been stretched, and I am sore, but He is good and He loves me and the results are phenomenal! 

My Favorite Little Faces:)

These are the little faces that I love…

The Faces God has called me to raise and grow….

These are the faces that make my life worth living…

The faces that make all the hard, worth it…that make all the fun, enjoyable…and make all the good, better!

I am so thankful for these little faces!  I am so thankful to be called “mommy”.  I am loving this life God has given me to live…I pray these little faces will grow and love and serve their Creator with all their hearts and souls and minds and strengths! 

The Joy-Giver…and the Joy FOUND!

Where do I begin?  It seems so long since I have sat with fingers lined upon these keys.  So many thoughts running through my mind…all jumbled up in a string of mess…how do I organize?  how do I put my heart out on this blog? 

But I feel the Spirit leading…I feel His whisper loud upon my heart…and writing releases me…it helps make sense…so I begin to type…

I have moments where joy is so easy to find.  My moments seem like an endless story of God’s amazing grace, etched from one second to the next.  Counting “thankfuls” seem to be a part of me…everything around me screams of the beauty of our God!  I can’t put my pen down for the numbering won’t stop…and I am giddy with delight over the wonder of my Savior! 

But then there are days where joy seems lost…I struggle to name even the most obvious blessings.  I feel trapped in a gloomy state of despair and climbing out seems more impossible than anything else I have ever come up against!  I snap at my children.  I am despondent.  I make mountains out of molehills and I allow my emotions to rule me.  I feel Satan mocking me…and I allow myself to fall privy. 

Yet, in my moments of failing…His grace still calls my name.  He chases after me…He woos me with more love than my heart is able to comprehend.  He pulls on my heartstrings…and I can’t help but come running!  Why?  Who am I?  I am just a silly girl who misses the mark each and every time!  I am beyond unworthy.  Still, He speaks my name.  He calls me into His private chambers.  He seeks me out.  He lies me down and His kisses of grace leave me breathless and undone.  Words leave me.  In His presence I am full and complete, captivated by Beauty that than none other compares. 

Joy springs to life once more…but not because of me…not b/c of my efforts in claiming or finding or doing…only b/c of the Joy-Giver and His relentless pursuit of this girl who can’t help but count, and number, and name and spell out this Beauty that has taken over this heart of mine! 

All About Him

I sit and listen…I read His Word and I am silenced.  My heart aches within…how much I want to be…to be more like the Creator…to be less like this fallible creation.  I breathe in…and I am reminded that even this breath was given to bring glory to His Kingship.  Everything within me was created for Him and for Him alone.  He is GOD!  He is GOD!  How do we wrap our minds around that concept…to understand Who He is…

He is Creator.  We are here b/c He willed it to be so.  Nothing we are, nothing we can do or want to do has anything to do with why we exist.  We are His handiwork…His very creation…His imagination put to life with breath and bones and blood.  His plan, His design, His purpose.  How foolish to think we are anything else.  HE IS GOD!  He is sovereign.  And He is good!  The vastness of my Savior runs so deep that comprehension is unattainable. 

Yet still I try…I want to know Him.  I want to grasp just a piece of His holiness…to touch His robe…to kiss His feet.  I want Jesus…God made man…I want to feel His presence and experience His power. 

It is not about me…not in the least.  It is about Him.  And how beautiful He is.  How magnificent He Is! He isn’t apart of “my” story…for my story is but a speck of dust in the span of eternity.  My story exists in order to bring Him glory…to make His name great…to reflect all of Him in everything I am to try, to live, to do.  I am His…and I find great honor in living out service to the One who spoke the worlds into being…whose power can not be matched!  

I don’t understand all that is…but I do understand that I was created for Him.  Period.  I am not here to find happiness or pleasure.  I wasn’t created to live up this life the best I can and then be done…no, I am here to bring honor and glory to my KING.  And if I fail to do that, what good is it?  What good is it? 

This Is Where We Are…

Well, I know that it has been quite a while since my last post.  We have been in a whirl-wind of crazy!  I am sitting in Wyoming at the moment…staring out the window at a field covered in snow…and I am counting over and over how blessed I am!  Let me see if I can re-cap a bit and get you caught up to speed on where this little family is at!

 

We began our travel across country on January 21st…but really our little journey began 6 months prior to that.  Travis has been in the service now for 11 years, as a trumpet player in the Army band.  His time in has taken us many places…and our travels have been such a wild and glorious ride!  But, my husband’s passion was never really in the music field…he was born to fly!  HE came into the army with the intention of getting his college degree so he could transfer over to the air force and fly airplanes!  Well, 5 yrs, a new wife, 2 babies and a degree later, the air force wasn’t taking any prior enlisted soldiers. So, he applied to the Coast Guard.  Again, No.  He resigned to the fact that he would stay in the army as a trumpet player but would get his private pilot's license.  He did.  And he loved it!  But he still felt antsy…like something was missing.

Side-note:  During the past few years, Travis has had horrible back problems.  So bad, in fact, that he was on a permanent profile. (all non-army people, all that means is that he had a doctor’s note stating that he couldn’t do certain strenuous activities)  It was a permanent fixture on his record.

Okay, back to the story…one day Trav came home from work with a notion that he wanted to fly helicopters with the army.  Now, this was a shocker b/c he had always said he would NEVER EVER fly helicopters for the army!  It is one of the most dangerous jobs in the army!  So, hearing this change of heart, I knew God was up too something…BIG!  We have some very very dear friends who fly in the army and God used them as huge encouragements to us through this time in our lives!  But, we faced a problem…a BIG problem!  There was no way Travis would be approved to fly with the profile on his record…no way!  So we started praying…and God started working His wonders!  God told Travis to “Trust Me”. He said it’s time to step out in faith and obey.  Travis started working out again…and to both of our amazement, he wasn’t experiencing any pain!  For the first time in years.  He went back to the doctor and explained that his back wasn’t an issue anymore…and the doctor actually removed his profile!  This is huge b/c once you have a permanent profile, it stays with you for your whole career.  But God was working…and nothing can stop the power of the Creator! 

Travis submitted his packet to fly helicopters as a warrant officer and was accepted!  There were so many odds against him…life stated that it was impossible…but God stated that through Him anything is possible.  We were trusting and leaning 100% on His guidance and grace…and He granted us our heart’s desire!  Funny though, how He changed our heart’s desire first…and then His will began to unfold.  Travis is 100% healed of back pain.  God has healed him.  Travis obeyed, he trusted, he placed all faith in the One who moves mountains, and his mountain was moved! 

We can’t begin to express our excitement for what God is doing in our little family right now…so much is changing for us…but we are clinging to the promises of God!  Travis reports for Warrant Officer School on March 10th and then his flight training will begin after he graduates. 

Yes, we are nervous…there are so many “unknowns” ahead of us…so many challenges we aren’t even aware of yet…but we have seen with our eyes the power of God and we have felt and experienced His awe-inspiring miracles…there is nothing our God can’t do!  We know He is leading…so we will trust His hand and keep leaping blindly into the life-giving world of faith!